Postpartum Round 2: Joy and Grief
Written by Korrenne Jensen, RP
Being a first time mom at the height of the Covid-19 pandemic was less than ideal as an experience, this mixed in with jaundice, tongue ties, lip ties and low milk supply added to feelings of anxiety and overwhelm that eventually turned into postpartum anxiety.
They often screen mothers for postpartum depression and know more about the questions to ask to see if the mood is changing, are they connected to the baby, do they have feelings of hopelessness etc. At the time of my first child being born I did not understand what was going on for me. I wasn't depressed, I loved my baby and loved caring for it. I just simply felt like a failure and second guessed the most basic of decisions while also fighting vivid intrusive thoughts of bad things accidentally occuring to the child. Whether it was something like reminding myself to not put the baby close to the edge of the bed, quickly turned to a thought of seeing them fall off the bed and injure themselves causing me mental distress as though it actually occurred.
The breastfeeding thing was a hard one for me to let go of as well, being consumed with all or nothing thoughts around it. I not only wanted to exclusively breastfeed, but ideally wanted to be a freezer stash oversupplier. Being a high achiever in areas of my life, I have had more control over this really set me back mentally to not just be able to make it happen. After meeting with three different lactation consultants, trying different methods, pumping, taking supplements and overall neglecting my own well-being in hopes to force a solution I had been on 72 hours of barely sleeping due to pumping every second that I wasn't latching in hopes to finally see a change in my milk supply.
I share this next part to help other woman who might have been were I was in 2019/2020 because I did not feel comfortable talking about this at the time it was going on out of fear that someone would see me as an unfit parent or take my baby away. Due to lack of sleep and my growing mental health concerns at the time, I was sitting on the bed with the baby and at one point I heard from outside the window, " Let me see the pretty baby." I did not have to look outside to know that no one was there. I walked out of the room to my partner, handed him the baby and said that I needed them to go and pick up formula and that I needed to go to bed. Being to the point of hearing an auditory hallucination due to the lack of sleep and stress I was putting on myself to make it work, quite frankly wasn't working.
Postpartum Round 2:
Fast Forward to 2026, I am having a drastically different postpartum experience with similar circumstances and a completely different mindset. All the same issues occured, we had a hospital stay for jaundice, tongue and lip ties, low milk supply, the biggest factor that was different this time was me. I accepted that I can only do what I can do and that 2-4 oz of breastmilk is better than zero and that pumping can work for me if I don't expect to be overflowing each time. I could do the same behaviour and lose sleep trying to make the supply be the way I want it to be, but now I know the cost that comes with that and I can make peace with the fact that whatever I choose it does not need to be all or nothing. I might be triple feeding somedays but I do it with ease and peace of knowing I am doing my best rather than the weight of "I am not enough" or what can I do to "Fix myself."
There is so much joy and grief to be felt in postpartum, I grieve for the mother that did not get to be as present as she wanted to be with her child the first time around and I feel joy for the gift of being able to have this experience once more. I grieve that my first experience at motherhood had anxiety, stress, self judgement and overwhelm, whereas I get to experience more ease, confidence and self assurance this time around. I wanted to be happy everyday for the sake of my children, instead they get a mom that is honest, authentic and never gives up whether they are happy or not.
When people ask me how I am doing now and I reply with good or really good, I mean it. I do just wish I could go back in time for a day to let them know what postpartum can be like in the future with the proper medication, proper rest, confidence to speak up for what you need and allowing the guilt and shame to drop rather than overwhelm waking hours. I would hold her and tell her shes doing great, that she is enough and that her child turns into an amazing 7 year old that is healthy despite not being breastfed and that kiddo is creative, funny, outgoing and outspoken and seemingly unscaved from some of the hardest mental health years of their mothers life.
Note to postpartum moms out there: I cannot make you see yourself in all your glory and how much of a champion you are for your family, I do wish this for you that you can see yourself and know that you are worthy, doing your best and that as long as you keep showing up and trying to do the next right thing that it will be okay. Without giving advice, I want you to remember that sometimes its important to turn off the noise of what everyone else is saying and tune in to your own intuition and trust yourself, because you sooo got this.
Keep showing up, forgive yourself and try to live each day at a time.
Author note: If you are experiencing feelings of hopelessness, intrusive thoughts or overall feeling unlike yourself in ways you have never experienced prior to postpartum. You are not alone and there is help for these things to bring you more ease and presence in parenthood. There are many services available through your family doctor, St. Joes also has an amazing woman's health team that has personally helped me in so many ways I cannot count.
